Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I think I sprained my soul last night
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
