One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
