He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
