i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
