Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
