im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
