is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
