Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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