you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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