Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
