College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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