Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
