He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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