go do what you do best...puke behind churches
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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