Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
