before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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