she woke up with a sticky ear
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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