It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
