girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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