Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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