i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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