you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
it's like heaven, but drunker
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
