8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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