Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
