Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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