Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
