John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
