This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Randomize
