I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
