Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you win again, gameday.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
