Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I need a burrito and a hug.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
