He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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