the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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