do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
