I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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