Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
