The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
