The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
