You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
