I want to walk on stilts...naked
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
