theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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