the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
The best revenge is premature balding
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
