so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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