"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
