That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I think my moral compass just broke
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