i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
