dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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