Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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