Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
