toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
