I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
