I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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