I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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