if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
My balls are so social today.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
