oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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