I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
