My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
