The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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