I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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