She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
