Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
