I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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